Time has ticked its way to 2010. A new year, a new start for some to look forward to. For me and for my family, it not only marks a new year, but a first big occasion celebrated in a different light with a different feeling without the head of my family, my dad.

I had not even once, thought about life being this way but it is true that once you lose a parent, your perspective on life is never the same. In this moment, I seek nothing more than his presence. I loved him, we all did. He was our father. He was the only man that raised us. He was the only man that was always there.

I remember his voice now, ever once many times teasing, endearing the little ones to him and always chuckling with laughter. I desire it right now more than ever. His presence always brought a sense of calmness, and now I can have that no more.

He is gone, a memory that will be stymied as days go by. It makes me remember, how he was the reason I faced highs and lows, yet through the worse he was always one I held dear to my heart. Each and every day, I wake up having to realize that I have lost a man who brought have the meaning of life to me. I have lost him, and nothing can diminish the pain that grows everyday.

Once I remember precisely what happened at that day, I'd cry. That whole scenario would play back in my mind and that image of him lying there kills me more than anything. I still feel guilt as my mind whispers thoughts of how I could've done something, how I should've followed my instincts and said something earlier or checked on it myself. But I also do know that its not right to live feeling that way.

I still do cry.. not only for myself, but for my younger siblings and my mom. Having to always be there to watch my mom breakdown is like watching one who has lost all sense of understanding. I have lost a father, but she has lost a husband. In my heart, I cry for her.

At times, I push myself to ignore my own thoughts just so I wont wipe more tears and feel helpless. I force myself to understand that I need to not only know better and be better for everyone else that he left behind.

Right now the pain has not quelled a bit, but I have to show a strong face for my mom and those younger than me. My mom keeps a strong face whenever she has to, although deep down I can only imagine how hard it is to lose someone she once shared her more than half her life with. I clearly see that my dad was all she had, he was her pillar of patience and protection. Without him, its as if losing her direction in life. I know that her grief will always be with her, but I do hope that her pain slowly subsides along with time for it to get easier.

All I can do to help is to show her that I am willing to stand alongside her and be her and my family's source of strength or protection in times of trouble.

As for myself, its been more than a month now since he's gone. Tears will always be there whenever I come realizing how I will never see him again. He lives on though. He was a great man, kind and generous, a good man. I would disappoint myself if I did not honor him for ever spoke of this matter for who he was to me.

I honor him now as I watch out for my mother and treasure her presence even more. That's the best thing I could do to repay all his deeds to me. After all, she is all I have left. I do hope that devoting more of my time to her would illustrate the respect I have for my father. His memory is preserved in my heart.

So what do I do with myself now onwards? Here I am, still a student at university studying something I never thought of doing before. The man who was the driving force for what I’m doing is gone. My dad was a strong believer in education. So I'll finish this one the best way I can and i've somehow got to figure out how to be the person he'd want all of us to be.

Anyway, Happy New Year to you reading this. I wish you and your loved ones happiness and longevity. xoxo